The Classic Penguin

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Ok... I'm sorry for taking you out of the timeline --I am still going to tell you about her birthday party-- but I have to tell you what happened TONIGHT!!!!!!!

So tonight the girl (hehehe "the girl" :)) was performing a show with her band. What I did was, while they were getting ready to go on --they were doing sound testing and stuff-- I stepped on stage and took two flowers out of my pocket (a red one and a pink one) and took some ribbon out of my other pocket, and tied the flowers to her microphone stand.

I did this in front of her --in front of EVERYBODY IN THE CROWD-- I cannot believe myself!! It was pretty pimp, if I do say so myself!! My heart was racing but that might have been from the Red Bull I had! ;)

This is a pretty major thing for me.... I mean, these were flowers that I picked myself from some apartment complex (lol). Man, I can't even remember the last time I gave flowers to a girl... well the last time I gave flowers to a girl they were roses and I had them delivered to her work --not the same at all. This was like... what the hell??? It caught her off guard. I have to be honest, I can't even believe I did something like this.... !

Now everyone knows that I like her, or maybe it was nothing and the gesture didn't mean anything? --I don't even care!! Ahahaha man... I cannot even go to sleep (might be the Red Bull!)  She thanked me for the flowers and we're both so mellow that nothing is really awkward --I talked to her after the show like normal, but I could tell she was somewhat frightened when I tied the flowers to her microphone hehehe!! Oh man... :) I will never forget this show...

This may have been a totally wrong move, but I feel so good right now --like nothing can stop me!! I can't even stop myself; it's like I'm watching myself do these things and I'm like... wow

:)

I hope everyone has a lovely Valentine's Day coming up............... I'm gonna try to get some sleep now!! ;)

This was back in November last year. I'm sorry for telling this story all slow --there was so much shit that happened I'm trying to make sure I'm getting everything.

She did reply, eventually. Actually, she replied in a timely manner --it just felt like a really long time to me. My letter to her wasn't as intense as I made it sound in my last post (hahaha) ... I'm trying to stay objective here and it's difficult to write this and stay objective cuz I get caught up in it as I'm writing... cuz that's right --what I told you was correct: I didn't really confess.... a lot... ;)

But I told you I sent her more messages after that. When you're talking to someone and they don't reply, you have a tendency to keep rambling on, and you risk maybe taking it too far. I didn't really make those mistakes, but you'll have to understand that I was a wreck at the time and so, all dramatic-like, I told her I didn't want to go to her birthday party. But still, for different reasons --I told her I didn't know any of her friends and that I'd ruin her party, *not* that I didn't want to see her. My messages were shorter and lacked my usual thoughtfulness. Maybe they were even contemptuous.

So she replied to me, but not to my original message... I guess it's a girl's natural instinct to be in denial about somebody liking you when you don't feel the same way, or, maybe she was trying to come up with the specific words to handle me. She slipped in the end of her message that she didn't think I was in love with her. :) I don't know if this was a manifest-destiny thing or maybe I just played my hand really well and didn't show any cards at all. I guess what really bothered her was the fact that I was trying to reject her invitation to her birthday party.

I pondered this for a long time --I even asked a lot of you, privately, for advice on this matter. Whether or not I should go. I decided for myself that she would be hurt if I didn't go, and I couldn't do that to her --despite my tumultuous bitter feelings. I figured if I went, I could show her that I was fine and that I could face her and that nothing was wrong with me.

I'm just now realizing that this is a lot of insight into the workings of my personality... I guess I'm the type that likes to dissect every little fact and obsess over the details. That's pretty lame. I should stop myself from doing that.

Did I really want to go? It coulda went either way... I wasn't too hot on the idea of mingling with her friends --I went specifically because it was her day. I was already in this certain mode... like I wanted to close things up with her. The last bit of business was to give her the CD I made for her *to* her at her party and that would be the end. I would talk to her less and less until it was never, and completely purge her from my mind. I was prepared to let it all go --it was finished. I wrote my season finale. It was a nice feeling --to be fixated on her for so many days-- but sooo "not for me," I was thinking to myself.


I was going to go
to her party...........

-to be continued!-

There is so much stuff that happened between my season finale and my last post that I really need to tell you guys what happened. I kinda left you guys hanging. Not on purpose, but mostly because all that stuff was too fresh to write about (no, not that kind of fresh) but now I guess I am wanting to reflect on it so I'll tell you guys what happened.

I did tell her that I liked her (like --not past tense, obviously!) I told her in a message, which is extremely lame, I know -who writes messages these days? I do.

But what did I tell her... I told her the truth, but not entirely everything. We had been talking back and forth, having thoughtful conversation. And then something happened that I wasn't prepared for.

You see what happened was, she took a quote from one of my private messages to her and put it on her myspace page. The quote was me telling her that I thought she and I were really similar --but I wrote it in a different way.. like it had undertones implying that we're these rare supernatural beings. I don't have the exact quote because myspace deletes sent messages after 30 days so it is lost and I already forgot what I said (haha). I didn't think what I said was that beautiful but I think something about it resonated with her. At first when I saw the quote I felt special, but then after a while I began to get paranoid. My thinking at the time was... what if her friends read it and ask who wrote it and then she'd tell them it was me and then they would tell her the obvious conclusion that... I burn for her :) right?

See we were just talking so open and naturally with each other that, for a moment, we were kinda spellbound by each other and I thought if someone got their hands on this quote they'd be able to decipher its true meaning. And the fact that she posted it made it clear that she had no idea that I was trying to tell her that I liked her... or was getting there!!

So I freaked out... I told her to take the quote down and I was quite mad that... she'd share those words that were meant only for her. Okay, NOW it seems petty and ridiculous but at the time I was really deep deeep deeply sprung like a l00zer and not to mention emo. I had to explain why I was mad, and at the same time explain -a little bit- my feelings for her.

To give you perspective on where this fits in the timeline -this was after I made her a CD and this lead up to the season finale (as I call it).

Before I tell you what I wrote to her I have to tell you more about *her* ... she and I are the same --we are so self-absorbed that we know only our own intense emotions and we use those feelings in our creative work, but when it comes to someone else's feelings we have no idea. And I was saying in earlier posts that we had communication issues. But who is this girl that I fell (have fallen) for?

She is a living secret, with ten miles of mystery surrounding her. I have a very small understanding of her and I know very little about her past. I find myself hanging on to what little she tells me about herself. I even... got into zodiac horoscopes because she told me she was a typical Scorpio and I had no idea what that meant. So I looked it up and everything it said about her sign is basically true. She's a water sign... she can be vast and deep, calming or cool like a waterfall, or stormy and even icy. By contrast, I am a fire sign (as you can see, I've done a lot of reading-up on this stuff ;) research!) And I have no real depth I just want to set everything ablaze and burn it to the ground and leave nothing behind. I know horoscopes to a large degree are bullshit, but I kind of relate to this description of me, as --right now-- I am raking the coals, before which I was a raging fire. These two signs are incompatible --she even told me this a long time ago as if to say: "It's hopeless; don't try it."

But anyway I'm talking about myself again and not her --her life is like this exclusive club. She tells me that she doesn't have a lot of people in her life that she'd consider a true friend. That she considers me to be a true friend and that should mean the world to me. I have mixed feelings about this........ I am drawn to her mystery but at the same time it feels like the puzzle is toying with ME and it gets tiring. And then she feels lonely sometimes or feels like an outcast. I'm thinking to myself like: "If getting to know you is so special and exclusive... not to mention probably even impossible... then you deserve to be alone" Like she doesn't need anybody...? It gets to me. But on a very basic level, this is typical "chick" stuff. It's freakin bullshit and you just have to accept it or else you'll never be with a chick. Even when she's wrong she's right.... totally messed but okay.

She calls it a friendship and I call it a "relationship." She causes me so much pain and pleasure that we are really more like enemies or double-agent spies. She thinks I'm adorable and I think she's sexy but... I'm getting ahead of myself --I was going to tell you how I confessed to her... kind of...

I wrote her a message in the spirit of the sprung like a l00zer series. Very honest and straight-forward. I told her that I liked her and that I think she's irresistable. But at the same time I showed her my reserve and selflessness by saying that I understood she's going through a hard break-up, and on top of that told her something that was probably a lie --I told her that I didn't want to make her my girlfriend. I said that and it's like one of those beautiful lies you can tell a person because it's only a half-truth. There's more to it, but the first part sounds so deterministic. I don't want you to be my girlfriend.... I just want to spend every waking moment with you. It read like I told her everything but I still told her nothing. If I told her everything then the letter would never end. It was a very trying time for me; I wanted to hold on to some of my dignity and grace.

Her birthday was coming up... she was inviting me. I made her a CD... hahaha
despite all that I had to tell her.

I had met my opponent. Chasing after someone is like cards... it felt like we were just raising bets and she'd never call --I'd have to call. And you know she's going to win it's just a question of how much you're willing to lose. I didn't show her my entire hand but I gave her a peek.

I wrote her and wrote her and I got no reply.

What ended up happening?

-to be continued!-

Just to update you guys.

So last night I saw the girl (see season 1 of the series!) at a bar/club. I didn't know what to do so I bought her bread and cookies and gave them to her. I think she liked it and it made her happy! Sent her home with a Safeway plastic bag

=)

Oooooooooh man it's still bad........ very l00zerish, very sprung.

NOT gushing as much tho... I don't wanna set myself up or anything, you know, but I still think about her sometimes...

So just giving you guys heads-up that the "writer's strike" may be finished --for me, at least. ;)

Well, the sprung like a l00zer saga is finally finished!! I told her that I liked her.... I tried to be as elequent as I could.

Yes, it was a grave miscalculation, but at the time I guess my emotions had clouded my more-rational thinking. I didn't even give her the mix CD...

I hope you guys enjoyed my saga as much as I did!!

*bows*

Yes.... I am still sprung. Worse, actually. My condition has worsened to "jonesing." Although, this is more still a love-sickness. And I just want to freaking DIE........ yeah!!

On the up-side I am getting good practice on my Roman numerals...

So this girl that I like... I figure she's not really aware that I do like her. That is why over the past few days I've been openly flirting with her MORE than usual. Because I was before, but I guess it wasn't clear? And she's kinda been flirting with me too, I think... but I can't be too sure. She is a musician and singer so...... I mean she is naturally just an affectionate person. She's got a lot of feelings, but are they feelings for me? I'm not sure. I've been sending her messages in the middle of the night and crap like that. Of course, she likes them because she is a chick after all, and girls like being on some dudes' mind but I have yet to spend some time with her alone. Like ALONE just one-on-one. Which is what I really want, but then I was thinking a big part of this liason is our mutual mysteriousness; if I tell her all my secrets, will I still be able to captivate her?

In what may be a bold move I made her a mix CD. But it's not like a really romantic mix CD. It's got some Nine Inch Nails songs on there... I'm not really good with romance. I don't have the track listing on me right now -it's at home. I can post it later. But the CD's got some Marilyn Manson, Sneaker Pimps, Shiny Toy Guns, etc. It's got a lot of electro-pop music that I think she likes.

Anyway, I already told her that I made her a CD. Was this a bad move??? Anyway, I can give her this CD, which I put a lot of thought into, or I can put EVEN MORE THOUGHT into it and make her a CD that includes the feelings in my heart put into words!! I don't know. If I even attempted this, what kinds of songs do you think I should put on the CD? I don't even know.

STILL, man.... STILL!!!!

Oh she is one tough cookie, but that only means she's worth the effort!!

She is very skilled tho.

Tried to spend some time with her on Saturday, but she did the whole let's-invite-other-people-so-it's-not-really-a-date thing. Interesting. Well-played...

And then I saw her at this party and there was this scenester stoner chick there lookin' all jail-bait in all of her "I'm nineteen!!" glory and my chicky hits me with: "You two look cute together." Can you believe that shit? No, we would not look good together! What is wrong with you?? It's you I want!!!!

ARGHHH!!!

But I still want her sooo so so so bad I am going to try to get to know her better... I'm going to try to get into her heart somehow.

That's the update, guys. I am workin hard here that's why I haven't had time to update you guys, but that's how things are going. If you're going to try to post stuff like "oh josh, just give up and move on" --I'm not going to listen to it! I will delete your post!! I am looking for strategies and things like this!

So I saw her on Saturday night; we both went to the same show.

She was wearing blue jeans, a white T-shirt that was all... stuck to her body :)
boots, a beret... ! Oh my god a beret.... I am going to die, I'm thinking to myself...

Long dark hair, soft pale skin, cheek bones, a warm smile, the movement of her hands while she talked... to get my heart, I guess that's all it takes... but at that moment it was more than enough. My heart was beating so fast... I hoped she couldn't read my mind and what I was thinking: TOTAL PANIC! My mind, so totally aware that our bodies were inches apart and I had to fight the urge to hold her at the waist and pull her to me... I just wanted to embrace her and have our two bodies stuck together in some sort of wax candle :) oh man, I was sooooo weak my knees were about to buckle, and yet she had this effect on me... I still wanted to talk to her, and usually I am just a quiet person! Doesn't matter --I can't even remember what I said --it's all a blur!! I just wanted to see her talk, and move her lips and see her smile some more. Music going on, disco-ball lights streaming across her face........ Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) I think there were other people in the room, other than us, but...... how would I know? I wasn't there; I was transported to some magical place!! ;)

If I had the ability to take what I was feeling at that moment and bottle it up --I could sell it and be a rich man, only I wouldn't be rich cuz I'd end up giving it away for free.... everyone needs to feel like this at least once in their life... :) Oh gosh look at me, just smiling like a fool while typing HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!

So you're wondering what she was like when we were talking? She is actually very cute and sexy-as-hell at the same time. It is mind-fucking-ly impossible to describe with words...... she's a silly little girl, but it is oh-so-hot and she has these cute little mannerisms. So I admit --she is powerfully seductive. Oh man!! I want to thank God for creating such an enchanting woman!

I know this is wrong, but I just wish I could look at her all day long... she is so beautiful. But not just that, her voice and all of her songs are full of longing and desire. Her voice shatters any image you have of her, even the one right before your eyes. To find someone like this.... it's kind of terrifying, in a way. I had no idea I could have such passionate feelings for a person... I am still sprung! Like a l00zer!!!! And I dun even care!! ahahaha

:)

Part 7!!!!!!!!!!!

You ask me, how can you be sprung still?? I don't even fucking know man, I'm beginning to scare myself. I am burning with passion here...!

I've been trying to find a way to describe this to you guys in a beautiful way that does this infatuation JUSTICE!

So here we go --I found this quote by Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855). Some say he was the father of existentialism :). The quote is about this woman that he was in love with, Regine Olsen (1822-1904).

Now, I'm *not* trying to say that my love for this girl is gonna be all legendary and shit, but right now if I keep falling for her at this rate I dunno what I'm gonna do. So Kierkegaard wrote:

Thou sovereign of my heart treasured in the deepest fastness of my chest, in the fullness of my thought, there ... unknown divinity! Oh, can I really believe the poet's tales, that when one first sees the object of one's love, one imagines one has seen her long ago, that all love like all knowledge is remembrance, that love too has its prophecies in the individual. ... it seems to me that I should have to possess the beauty of all girls in order to draw out a beauty equal to yours; that I should have to circumnavigate the world in order to find the place I lack and which the deepest mystery of my whole being points towards, and at the next moment you are so near to me, filling my spirit so powerfully that I am transfigured for myself, and feel that it's good to be here.

-Søren Kierkegaard, Journals (1839)

That right there... fuck... I know exactly what this man is talking about!! That is how I feel... I mean dayum. Love is a powerful thing, man :)

 

Every now and again I do something that surprises myself and so it has happened again -I am surprised! Wow. Turns out that I can actually be a sensitive guy..... this girl is really something.

So I guess she opened up to me a little bit and turns out she has some drama going on.... if this were any other girl I'd just listen and listen and be Mr. Nice guy or whatever. I'd be all understanding on the surface but be like "oh man, this chick has issues" on the inside.

But with this girl --I don't know if I'm still sprung off her, but I genuinely care about her, and accept her with all her faults....... lately she's been sad so I've been sad. I usually don't get myself emotionally invested like this. I guess I really am falling for this chick....

aighhhhh!! So, to answer your question, YES. YES, I am still fixated on this woman, and I am not proud! No, sir!

Right now my mood is like the stock market: when she replies to my messages I am up up and away! When she hasn't replied yet I am fearing that maybe she read my message and thinks I'm lame and that the last reply I got from her will be THE END. Ah, why do I do this to myself?? Why? Man, what is it about this woman that always makes me come back for more?

Now the dark side of my obssessive personality is starting to surface... like I'm secretly jealous of all the people that are close to her, and stupid shit like that...... gahhhhhhh

So now I'm in my own kind of hell at the moment... I have some time to reflect. I'm wondering if all the flirting I was doing with her is suffering some backlash. I am such a shithead!!

...but I could be overreacting ;)

I don't know! If only I could stop thinking about her... but then I don't really want to stop either :)

Yes. The love charade is still going on strong!! What can I say? I guess I am just a sucker for love after all.. damn man.

If you go watch anouketal's video that pretty much gives you an idea of how I feel about this girl... I love her with all my heart!! Ah, I'm like that girl that's talking about how she remembers every conversation they had. I can't believe myself!!!

! ! !

This is so ridiculous!

We both busy so we haven't gone on a date yet but I am going to take my sweet time on this one! I am going to take her some place special. She gives me that woozy kind of feeling! I think she thinks that I'm cute, somehow!

I listened to her CD last night while sitting in bed. I just lay there trying to understand the true depth of her emotions.... Ahahaha I can't even believe I'm telling you guys this!! I just can't get enough of this girl! I'm going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh man, I'm sorry guys but I just have to post a part 3.

Okay. It's been a couple days... maybe I'm not so hot about her anymore --WRONG! You won't believe what this lady did to me today. She corrected my grammar as I had incorrect word usage. Dude! OMG Hottttt!!! Soooo so freaking hot.........

You guys have no idea, but this is a huge turn-on for me... correcting my speech tho? Man, this is like discovering electricity! I love this girl!! WTF??????

She's all shy, yet playful. And yet she seems like the type of girl that can crack the whip and enjoy it too. I was reading up on our signs today... it's like the perfect storm is brewing man. Her sensitivity and hightened emotions and femininity. My unbridled passion for her, coupled with my cynicism and sense of self-loathing. This is going to be intense!

I honestly dun even know what's coming next -this scorpio girl just continues to blow me away. She can totally kill me and I wouldn't even care. Oh man... her smile... :)

arghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!

Oh my freaking god it's setting in.

Holy shit

Sending off messages and feeling anxious about her reply -no, no WAITING for her reply. Each freaking second passing as I act like some kind of maniac. Every ounce of my existence being vindicated after reading her reply. Cute little nicknames for each other. The constant craving for her attention. Am I really prepared to let this woman know the inner me -my fears, my desires, my freakish longing for her? (!!!). I'm an Aries and she's a Scorpio... what the hell is that, that's like fire and water!! If this is real, how can I just let this slip through my fingertips??

I feel like I'm going to throw up!! Aghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, I'm going to confess my love on here cuz I'm way too embarrassed to spill my guts to any of my friends. They will just laugh. But I am freakin' gah-gah hardcore crushin' on this girl..... she's a folk-singer chick that I think is totally hot. Not even my type really, as she is all cool and has tattoos but hey I guess there's no controling these things!!

She's so easy to talk to... she noticed me coming to all her shows and she's all nice to me now. She knows I like her... we send each other these little messages and shit. Oh man, it's awful. I mean, I know all this stuff doesn't mean anything, but I know I'm falling for her as I can't stop thinking about her, and people have noticed me smiling for no reason...! I am so fucked!!!

Gahhh what do I do? Oh, and the situation is more complicated because I've drifted into the friends-zone with her and there's no leavin' unless I freakin' throw down the gauntlet and shit. But the thing is --she's busy recording all the time, I'm busy with work all the time I dun think we can make time for each other. Damn!!

Anyway, I don't know if I'm really asking for advice or anything, but I've been keeping that to myself all week and really needed to tell someone.

I already know the situation is fucked --I fucked myself by becoming her friend!! Now I gotta hang around her knowing full well that I cannot resist this woman! Please talk some sense into my retarded ass!!!!!!

-J

I started an eZine called The Problem Solver!! Please message me with your e-mail if you would like to subscribe!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!

The Kinds of Pictures I Like
by TCP

*Ahem*

Pictures of you kissing other hot women --I would not mind looking at these. And if you're in just a bra and panties --that, I also would not mind.

Pictures of you totally naked, but have your hand coming around from the side covering up your nipple with a few fingers, and your legs positioned so that I can see no private parts --yet still appreciate the curvature of your body-- I will not object to such pictures.

Pictures of your feet in sandals, pumps, some kind of boots with laces or buckles --if it shows a little leg too, but not too much because it's covered by a black skirt of some sort-- these pictures I would make time to look at. Just might make some kind of a comment, even. And give you buzzwords. Yeah.

Pictures of you with your hand on your hip as if you're angry at the photographer, you're giving the finger, and you're also wearing a catholic school-girl skirt that's just barely covering your back-side --I just might take time to click on the thumbnail.

Pictures of you chillin' on your bed, your hair all spilled out over your pillow and you're trying to be all cute being upside-down, or if you're laying on your tummy with your legs kicking in the air, and you're pressing your boob against your pillow so that it is squashed and appears bigger than it actually is --I would adamantly welcome these pictures to buzznet.

Pictures of you looking at yourself in the mirror and putting on lipstick with your lips all nice and full, or you're just pressing your finger against the rim of your mouth (and your finger nails are painted and nicely manicured) for any-odd reason, or maybe you have this adorable clueless-expression on your face and your finger is kinda pointing at your lips --I WILL TAKE THESE TOO.

Pictures of you all decked out in a little outfit from any of the DOA games, Lulu from Final Fantasy X, Rei or Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Chung Li from Street Fighter, any girl from Guilty Gear --particularly Kuradoberi Jam or Dizzy, the high-res rendering of the Necromancer from Guild Wars, Yuko from XXX~HOLiC, Ohlala from Space Channel 5, or any other kind of chick from a game or manga that's wearing some tricked-out getup that a perv like me might take interest in --I would look at these pictures all day if you have them.

Yes, that would be all.

Thank you for your time.

"What'll it be today?"

"Uh... uh... I'll have a Mocha, a chocolate chip cookie andWILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME???"